English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.