Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system.

Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat, that's not the problem anymore. Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are the problem. That's us. That's our generation. There the press never says a word.