Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

I still think of myself as a newspaper guy and you live by deadlines in the newspaper world, so, they don't really give you any excuses. At the paper they never say, "Well, we just won't have Tuesday's paper come out, we'll just bring Tuesday's paper out on Wednesday, so go ahead, take all the time you need." They come out with that paper regardless.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.