If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer. This is not to say that I am recommending that you totally ignore your responsibilities as a homeowner and just sit around all day with a can of beer in your hand. No indeed, I have long been a believer in purchasing bottled beer, and pouring it into a chilled glass.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.