In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Your friends love you anyway.

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.

[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.