There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.