Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

As far as outlining is concerned, I don't outline humor. I might right down a word or two to remind myself of a punch line I thought of, but the actual structure of a piece I really don't. I don't think it would really help me because for me the process is joke, joke, joke, joke.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.