Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

I think Twitter is kind of fun, it's not deep and it never will be, but it's a great way to communicate one-liners and to sort of see what people are laughing about. It's a terrific source of misinformation.