Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.

You must prepare yourselves, young people, because Uncle Dave's generation is getting old. We are almost ready to go to the retirement home to spend the rest of our days tapping our bedpans rhythmically in time to "easy listening" rock 'n' roll. We must pass the torch on to you, and you must grasp it, ideally by the end that is not on fire.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."