Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.