They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.