Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.