The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Denmark (also called Norway) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.