The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.