I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so sometimes I'll get a little bit nuts if I write something I know is good a certain way, and some editor because of some restriction he has and wants to change it that I know is going to make it less funny that'll piss me off and then I'm inclined to go, "Well, hey I've been doing this a long time, maybe you should..." That doesn't happen that often, but I'm more likely to say that now than I would have been a long time ago. Because dammit, I'm infallible!

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.