Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.