This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started. Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: 'I bet that if we called this something like `escargot,' tourists would eat it.' Then they had hearty laugh, because 'escargot' is the French word for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm.'

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.