People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as "Here, boy!"

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.