If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or she did that was remotely funny than I am to be mused by somebody declaring this isn't funny, that isn't funny, this sucks. If you want to write humor, you're going to have to get used to that.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'