When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.