Dave Barry Quotes

Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman Navajo detective books.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.