You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

I would say just stop watching me, I guess, at this point. That is what I do, and it probably is, in some way, a bit of a lecture. I can see how that's not something that would be enticing for you to watch in a stand-up hour.