In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.

I just did 101 shows in 86 different cities in America and Europe and Canada, and I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say, at the vast majority of shows, they loved it. There were encores, there were standing ovations.

Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff, you get people going, "I didn't come here to have my political views bashed."

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.