I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

You have to get the second season by acquiescing to a third season.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.