The only thing I'm allergic to is criticism.

A song without a hook is like a train without rails. It skitters all over the place, bangs into everything. Boom! Crash! There goes Grand Central Station. Crushed by a train.

Music journalists love Elvis Costello and hate me because they look like Elvis Costello

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

People ask me how far I've come. And I tell them twelve feet: from the audience to the stage.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.