How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?