John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.