John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Do good things for other people.

Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.