Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.