Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.