I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?