I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'