I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.