It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
David LettermanGuess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?
David LettermanToday is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!
David LettermanAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman