You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.