Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.