John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.