Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.