President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.