Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.