Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.