Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!