President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.