Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.