Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?