Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.