Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.