This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'
David LettermanWelcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David LettermanJeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'
David LettermanDonald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.
David Letterman