Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.