That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?