After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.