After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.