America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.