America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.

In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?