America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David LettermanI think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
David LettermanDonald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.
David LettermanThis Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'
David Letterman