When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.