The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.