I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.