I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.