I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.