I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

I've been lucky enough to win an Oscar, write a best-seller - my other dream would be to have a painting in the Louvre. The only way that's going to happen is if I paint a dirty one on the wall of the gentlemen's lavatory.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.

I've taken up the Bible again, somewhat in the spirit of W.C. Fields - looking for loopholes.

But Champagne is not drinking.

You are not just here to fill space or be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

I enjoy reality as much as the next man. It's just that in my case, fortunately, reality includes a good stiff belt every now and then.