Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get beyond the sad fact that this person actually thinks he bringing some joy into your life. Somewhere he had a mother who sifted through a shoe box of mimeographed playbills, pouring herself another drink and wondering when her son would come to his senses and swallow some drain cleaner.

It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection."

I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.